Apple pip

IMG_5314.jpg

I don’t know
whether you are
boy or girl,
alive or dead,
part or whole,
flesh or bone –
I don’t know if
life is a struggle for you,
if I love you yet,
when you came,
or when I will meet you,
but
hungry one
greedy guts
demanding little apple pip
I’m making
turkey broth and dumplings
for you
hot mash and gravy
fish soup and noodles.
I’m feeding you
like a farmer coming in from the pigs,
like a sailor casting off storm gear,
like a fisherman hauling up sea trout –
we will grow
big bellied
together,
you and I,
apple pip
sweetheart
treasure of mine

(I wrote this poem years ago, on the first day I suspected I was pregnant with that child who’s away at University. An insatiable hunger for good food follows him wherever he goes, and that was the first clue. Am I missing him? Yes!)

(Sob)

(Does it get better? Please say it does. It’s an odd, constantly disconnected feeling, as though you’ve lost something, but you’re not sure what you’ve lost.)

(The photo above is of said child as infant, in Grandpa’s hat. I had baby number two some few weeks before this photo. Everything must have been going well, as I have no wrinkles, and my hair has not one thread of grey in it yet! Wah! Just look at it!!!).

(Or maybe that’s just the beauty of youth.)

(I *love* my grey hair though. I’m not ever dyeing it. Never. All those chemicals – urgh. So dangerous, so near your brain. Luckily, my imagination doesn’t need any chemicals to have a good time.)

🙂 🙂 🙂

 

 

3 Comments on “Apple pip

  1. Oh Trudi! I wish I could call you and tell you that I know how you feel, that I have that very same feeling too. When my eldest son went to University I felt strangely lost, and now he’s moved to Bournemouth-not far from us but still SO FAR. I once read saw a quote which said ‘having a child is like watching a piece of your heart walk off down the road’ and it is so true. For me, sometimes I don’t notice that feeling for a while, but it can be something so small that can bring it out again. But, just know this, that lovely boy of yours is the way he is because of YOU and yes, the feeling subsides….a little. Sending a virtual hug to you. And no, please don’t dye your hair- I don’t and I much prefer it xx

    • Thank you!!! All the love from my heart to yours. Xxxx. I’m not sure I can bear it some days, but it’s just a stage like all the others, isn’t it? I’m very practical. I can deal with stuff head on and just get my head down and get on it with it. That’s why I was OK in all those toddler years – ha ha 🙂 It’ll be OK! And I am so proud of him, and so glad he has gone, too – total(ly normal) motherly conflict!

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