Life force

Digital ipad painting of moody woman

I am lucky today. I’ve been wanting to buy an iPad Pro for a while, so I can learn how to paint on it.

I finally ordered one last week, after helpful advice from internet friends and fellow artists.

It arrived pretty quickly, but things got in the way – that poorly cat of ours – remember?

In the vet hospital dramas, the iPad sat calmly unopened in its box on my desk, and that just shows how preoccupied I was. I’d open my Christmas presents in November if I could. I am HOPELESS at waiting. Curiosity always gets the better of me.

Not this time. There were bigger things going on. I opened it with disinterest, played around with it, forgot about it.

Our sweet naughty cat died, I’m afraid, yesterday morning. We had to make a decision. The vet agreed with us that putting him to sleep was the right course of action, but it was so distressing, and then we watched his life force just go out of him in front of us.

It brought looming ghostly shadows of the past, for me. I’ve been there in the same situation in Intensive Care. Yes, it was far more weighty, far more unconceivable in a hospital than in a vet’s. Of course. I’m not flippantly suggesting it wasn’t. Why would I? Things like that change you.

But in essence, it felt unsettlingly similar. The decision, the guilt, the mix of enormous emotions.

The life force.

Then just having to leave, feeling you have forgotten something, left something behind. I remember walking out of the hospital all those years ago, feeling lost, and searching all my pockets endlessly, for what, I wasn’t sure.

And I went up to the vet’s today and invented an excuse, some paperwork I didn’t need. I just wanted to go in.

But I’m trying as well today, to ignore those ancient hospital memories and let them settle back into the dusty past where they belong.

Sometimes, protecting your own life force just means looking the other way.

I went up to my desk – what a gift – the iPad. I’ve been absorbed in it all day.

You don’t need to think, it’s so intuitive. I love it already, and today, I’m so lucky – it’s just what I needed.

Onwards, into the future.

xx

 

 

 

2 Comments on “Life force

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